Circle of Life

Yesterday was my sisters birthday, boy she is growing up and getting old, LOL. Love her though can't help it.

We fed the horses and cleaned the yard. It was hot at 8am, I mean damn hot. We worked in the yard until 10am and let me tell you I was pouring sweat like a whore in church, like a pig over a fire pit. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip etc. We raked up the grass that dad had cut, it was a work out trust me. The horses were like, its to hot to do much of anything but find shade and eat. Our Big Man is 3 months now and Little Girl will be 4 months tomorrow, soon they will be weened. Its so sad that they have to depart from their moms soon, they are getting big, growing up and becoming such beautiful horses. We really have some amazing animals, such gorgeousness. My dad breeds our mares well. The unfortunate part is that the industry is financially affected by the economy, so what would have sold for ridiculous amounts of money doesn't. Our babies are worth so much, but you have to answer to the economy and what everyone in the industry is doing. While at the sale in Memphis it was so clear that no one was able to afford much even for well bread horses. Its a tough industry but its worth the work that is entailed in it. I look forward to learning more about it.

I am spreading myself a little thin though, acting, dealing with the horses, working out everyday, and finding a lucrative career to take on. But I do this, its my MO as they say, I have to be doing more than one thing at a time or I wouldn't be content. Keeps my mind going, and makes me feel like I am achieving my goals, well actually I am achieving them. I realized that I am truly blessed, blessed to be from the family I am, to have the things I do and for living the life I live. Its pretty special to be able to hang with my daddy and learn his passion as well as pursue mine. I have had to learn that life isn't always what you think it should be but it is what its suppose to be and my life is pretty good as it is. I have met some really great people in Oxford, I was hopeful I would but I wasn't sure I would. So far I've been able to enjoy everyone I have hung out with. Yesterday I was invited to join a group of wine/liquor tasters, made up of mostly professors from the campus who have transplanted here to teach. I was welcomed in and found what I hope will be some pretty great friends. Oxford, MS is small, and there are some weird differences here, things I am not used to, but it has its cool points as well. Everyone should come visit me in Oxford, while I am still here :-)

Another note, Paul Rudd, a teacher at Actor's Studio Drama School, passed away yesterday. I never had him as my teacher, I got to do a work shop with him and I was always able to talk to him about acting and he was always a joy and honest and to the point. A great artist, a great man of love, he was cherished by all of us at ASDS and will be missed terribly, but if we have belief in anything have belief that one day we will meet again and it will be with loads of light and great music, sex, dancing, laughing, performing and good wine. Much love to you Mr. Rudd, until we meet agian, cheers!

Sugar

I know I know its been a while since i have written. i have been on the road and just working on me. I went to a horse show in Tulsa, Oklahoma with my dad. We saw a black rodeo, it was called Cowboys of Color. Never had seen that, thought I had because as a kid we knew black cowboys and saw them rodeo, I had a serious crush at 7 - 10 years old on a black cowboy named Raymond Culter, who used to work on training our horses with my dad. I just loved him, had dreams of us being a couple, the man was in his twenties and as I said was a kid, it wasn't gonna happen. Anyway my dad is still in contact with Ray, he is doing alright, has a wife and kids and still messes with horses. So we saw these black cowboys, many were FINE, just sexy in their duds, but then a lot were flashy and that turned me off a whole lot. I can't understand why black folk have to be flashy about almost everything we do. I mean these men had pierced ears with fake diamonds or maybe they were real, in their ears while riding a bull and roping cattle and bull dogging which is to slide off a horse while its running after a steer(which has horns) and grab the steer and pull it down. Its dangerous stuff, and earrings and necklaces should not be worn! I was like WTF?! what happened to old fashioned cowboys who didn't believe a man should wear earrings period, who chew tobacco and sleep on the ground in dirt with the saddle as their pillow? what happened to the cowboys who were just rugged, rough dirty but clean up well? I miss those guys, I love those guys, they are sexy! I sure would marry a cowboy, if he had all the other qualities I need in a man. Speaking of marrying, i finally hung with my ex yesterday and today. We had a good time, just talked a lot about nothing and then of course me being me I got us on the subject of us and why he hasn't fought to make me stay with him and keep the relationship. Why he hadn't called me at all not even to check on me, I've called him I even lied to my dad and said he called me so I didn't feel like an idiot for calling him to meet up yesterday. I called him and he called me back and I said I was wanting to go have a drink and he said he would go with me if I wanted so we met up and went to a lake near my home and had bottles of what we both like, he had bought them a while ago for us, and we had a couple drinks and talked. Then today he came over because he left his phone in my car, but he stayed and watched tv and the Cowboy/Bangles game which was horrible and long. He told me he thinks of me everyday all day, he misses me he wanted to give me my space and he was going to call me. I guess one of my down falls in life is that I have no patience and I am a dreamer, I dream of how love should be, i dream of how a relationship should go when reality is much different, its not like the movies. I don't know, I love this man, I told his family we were not dating now, one of his friends, and they all pretty much said that is fine our relationship doesn't change and he loves me and you never know you guys may end up back together. My sister said she thinks we well because every relationship has to go through a big break up. My dad teases me though I have the feeling he is hoping we don't get together again, but he wants me to be happy just worries that we aren't fully compatible, but then my dad is also supportive of what I want, he also thinks Mike can change but that he has to want to do it and he has to do it, I can't make him. Mike lacks some serious ambition. But he told me he is going to show me that he is changing, and he thinks its not to late for us. He wants to be married to me and have children, so he will show me how much. I guess I will just have to see, but I am not going to sit on the side lines and wait for him to show me, I am going to live my life like its golden and if he comes through then we will be a couple and if he is to late because another man gets me, then he is to late. I pray he comes through, cause yall he really is a good man in so many ways.

I am now preparing for rehearsals to begin on the play I'll be doing in Memphis, looking forward to it. Met some cool people at the theatre's season premiere party this past Saturday. It was fun to see black folk who are in the arts loving it so much. Met a really cool lady who just welcomed me into her world and I hope to hang out with her and her friends very soon. I know this is going to be a great experience and I will want to do it again and again and again.

I saw my sister, went to her house before going to the theatre party, she looks good, sounds good and focused, very proud of her. I know how family is, we fight but we get over things as well. I love my sister so very much, she is my sister and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. We get heated but it okay because we are smart enough to get over things. She has a lot of great qualities and I know in the end she loves me a hell of a lot and she would be there for me if anything were serious, and vice verse.

Well this is me now, trying to live a full life and be open to its possibilities. I am still looking for the right career for me, crazy right, but I may have found it, I'll keep you all posted as it develops and of course acting is forever in my blood and I'll do it till I can't and now horses have become a great past time, love learning about them, they are such beautiful animals. OH, our 3 month old colt who we call Big Man, got into the horse trailer today so he could eat. We have had the trailer backed up to his stall for weeks now and he was too afraid to step up and get in but my dad came in the house after feeding them this evening and said mission accomplished he got in. Its a milestone, very proud of that young baby. He had to see it was okay, his mama has been going in and out forever, she gets fed in there and he wasn't getting any food cause it was all in the trailer but finally he got hungry enough and said, F*&% it and got in. Now we have two other babies to work on and to get him halter lead. At the shows we went to we could have taken Big Man and he would have blown the babies we saw out of the water. We have some pretty damn good looking horses! I want us to breed one of the mares to a halter winning stud and I want to raise the baby into a halter horse. Maybe I can talk dad into doing that for me, but I know it will be my responsibility to get that horse in top shape. That is a challenge, am I ready to take it on?................

Little Man's Big Adventure

It was a rough day for Little Man. Dad and I had a time getting him to relax so we could get a halter on him today. He fought, boy did he fight. The poor man fell over slamming his body on the ground quite a few times. He even hit the ground so hard one time that he just laid there for a bit. We think he might have knocked the wind out of himself. He is much easier to hold on to, I probably could have held him but I am just learning how to deal with the horses, especially the babies. You don't want to wait to long to work with them because they grow fast and do get size that makes it rougher to deal with when trying to train them. We are halter breaking all the babies so we only have Little Girl left and she is out in the pasture enjoying freedom but boy when we get her locked up and put the halter on her, I think she might give us the hardest time. She is pretty strong. Little Man isn't as big as the other two babies and more able to be controlled, his momma stayed out the way but did show concern and was coming over to see what was happening, unlike Big Man's momma who didn't even flinch. Learning what it takes to develop a well breed horse is fascinating and I am truly enjoying it. If there were no flies outside and especially around the horses I'd be with them constantly. I love these animals, they are very special and when you treat them well and love them they treat you well and love you back. This does not mean they aren't unpredictable because they are, you never put complete trust into any animal that is where people go wrong, but you can put trust into them, know that they don't mean to hurt you if they do, sometimes they are just trying to get out of the way or something has frightened them which makes them react. What I hate most is when people who have such magnificiant animals don't treat them right, letting them starve or have babies but don't do what is needed to take care of them. I believe animals, pets, deserve as much respect as humans, we need to treat them like God treats us, with respect and love. We have a long way to go in the training and breaking of the babies but the process is fun and it teaches you patience which you all know I need. Plus I have the need to make sure they are okay all the time, I worry for them like I do anything I love. Little Man hit the ground so many times I was a little bit scared for him and very concerned, I wanted him to relax and give in to what were trying to do with him, it wasn't to hurt him at all, it is to make him stronger and better. This process is going to be fun. Keep yall posted.

Fillies and Colts

Well its been some time since I have written, and if you have been waiting I apologize, got caught up. Mostly caught up in a break up that I went through. Yes I am officially single again. I hate being single, well I don't hate it I just don't like it very much. Not because I have to have a man or really need a man, I WANT a man in my life, someone to love hold share things with, laugh with, cry with, make love to or with. I don't like to have to do things alone all the time. I don't see many friends, well I don't see any at this time although I am making new ones now, very excited about this, but still its nice to have a man you love next to you or to know that he will be next to you soon. I miss talking to him daily, I miss kissing him every time we were together, I miss laughing with him and making love to him, I miss looking at him, I miss a lot of things, but I have t weigh what was missing in the relationship for us to get to the point where we let it go and I think at this point those things out weigh the things I listed that would hold the relationship together. Love is the icing on the cake but it does not make the cake. The cake has so many ingredients to make it especially to make it rise and hold it together. I/we needed more in our cake and we needed to be willing to make adjustments together to make our cake taste great and last. Well my guy it appears wasn't or isn't willing to make the adjustments needed but he also may not have known how best to make those adjustments. I will not bad mouth this man, he was great, is great, but I needed more from him or any man I am going to love for a life time. I don't want to say never ever will we not be together, but at this time we are on different paths, maybe they will cross again. I did want to marry this man and have his kid(s), boy did I want to do that and thought we were going to do all this, but I guess the universe sees something else for us. I know he will be better off and I will to, we will.

Now let me tell you about the ranch, the whole reason you probably are reading this blog. We are in the midst of halter breaking our biggest colt, Big Man. Yesterday daddy put a halter on him for the first time, that was interesting to witness. My dad had to get him separated from his momma by getting him in to a smaller part of the stall he is staying in with her and we shut it off. Then it was about putting a rope around his neck to reel him in. Dad tried a lead rope then we went to a lasso, my daddy has a lasso, think I am going to get one and learn how to use it. The lasso worked very well once daddy got it around his neck, which took a few tries. But Big Man fought a bit, nothing to wild, I've seen crazy wild, like in the last movie Clark Gable did with Marilyn Monroe remember the scene with him trying to tame the wild stallion, well this was mild compared to that and with a colt so not so big. Big Man pulled and tugged but eventually due to his becoming tired and realizing that we weren't going to hurt him and him learning to just give in, it was okay, he finally gave in. Daddy got the halter on his face pretty easily after all that. Big Man was sweaty and lathered up, his beige colored body turned gray from the sweat. He is now walking around his stall with lead rope attached to his halter so that he can get used to the feeling. His momma didn't do a thing, just ate her hay and ignored it all, until we were ready to let him go back into the part of the stall she was in then she noticed and called to him. I guess like other mothers, horses simple know that the one taking care of them will not hurt them so they wont hurt their baby and they are at ease. I later brushed the mare down, she, Jessalina, loves to be brushed, especially her head and forehead. She just stood there and let me do my thing, such a sweet disposition, but she didn't want me to stop. Her baby, Big Man didn't let me brush him, but a small amount, he was busy talking to Little Girl and Little Man. I then went into the stall with Little Man and his Momma, he came up to me and of course wanted to be brushed so he stood still while I did it, so sweet, but he is filling himself. His baby hair is coming out as with the other babies, and they are turning out to have a much different color coat than what we thought from their births. That is a trip to witness as well, they can come out with a buckskin color then shed their hair and turn out to be a rare color of Grullo(a mousey gray color). Either way our babies are turning out to be gorgeous and good looking. After brushing Little Man I got in the pasture and brushed Little Girl, who loves to be brushed, she doesn't like you to stop. She kept following me for a bit and walking up on me, her momma does the same but she was busy eating grass so she didn't pay much attention to me brushing anyone and didn't pay attention to me when I did finally brush her. She just kept eating grass and letting me brush her. That was my play date with the horses today, I love them, they are specially creatures, very intelligent and beautiful I feel lucky to be apart of their lives.

Daddy and I worked on the fence some more and we do have a bit more to do with the fence before its all complete and what we want, but its nice that we are making progress. After we complete outside we will tackle the inside of the house, boy do I have a few things I want to do in here, if I could go crazy I would but daddy isn't going to let me, I mean it is his house :-)

Life changes

The filly and the colts are all growing up. They are between 2 months & 3 months old, they mature at a different rate than humans and even dogs. They are beautiful and funny, inquisitive, smart and sometimes a bit attitudish. They're moms are just all about eating and letting the little ones learn about life away from them from time to time. If the little ones spend to much time away from mama they get called, just like a human would, and the babies if they haven't seen their mamas in awhile will call for them to find them and then get to them asap. The youngest baby who we call Little Man has become so sweet, he runs up to dad and I every morning so we can pet and rub him, he also like to get his bottom scratched like the others do. He isn't as scary as he used to be which is fantastic, he is inquisitive and has learned to be away from his mama a bit more though not as much as the older kids. He is a beautiful color, they all have the same daddy but they each have a different color its amazing how their genetic line makes the difference in how they turn out. They are going to be gorgeous for sure. Little Girl is turning out to look like a carbon copy of her mama, my dad says she will be even better than her mom and should this be the case her mom will be sold and she will replace her as a brood mare, crazy how this works. If it were me we'd keep them all forever. We have a mare here that was born at the ranch, her name is Poco, she is black gorgeous and sweeeeeeettttt. Her disposition is just great, she is broken to ride and had her first baby, a boy, last year, he got sold this year and she wasn't happy about his being taken away but she got over it. She loves being spoken to and rubbed and brushed I just love her and hope we keep her with us forever. She will be having our only baby next year. The ranch is coming together, getting cleaned up getting our projects completed, its nice to be apart of this undertaking. I respect my dad so much and admire him a great deal he just lives his dreams and doesn't slow down, such an extraordinary man. I want to be of assistance to him in his expansion of the ranch and the house I want to help him as much as I can and make it the dream my dad had and my mom had for Quad P Quarters.

Now my personal life in Oxford, well I wont be teaching this fall on campus, I just couldn't afford what they were able to offer at this time, but I hope that things will improve in the budget for next year or maybe even the next semester. I am signing with an agent, YES! ETA Elzemeyer Talent Agency in Memphis, hopefully some great things will come from this for both parties. And I landed a part in an August Wilson play, JOE TURNERS COME AND GONE. Its with Hattiloo Theatre, in Memphis, TN, the only black theatre in the region and I am excited and look forward to what the future holds. On another note, I broke up with my boyfriend, this just occured so its fresh and painful. I love him, I hope he loved me, I just think we are from two different worlds and the things I need in my man he isn't ready to give me at this time or maybe ever but I did learn a lot and I am grateful he was in my life (hopefully he will remain in it), he is a fabulous man in his way and I wish him nothing but the best. So I am single again, dang! I just feel like maybe I need to give up on this thing called relationship, I am not good at them it appears, I tend to fall for men I feel I have to save, I learned this in this relationship, its the captain-save-a-man syndrome and its bad. Every man I have fallen in love with I initially said hell no to, there was no way I would date them for various reasons, I knew that we were not truly compatible yet I went into a relationship with them anyway. Why do I do this?! desperation? stupidity? fear of being alone? captain-save-a-man? unsure of my worth? not enough love for myself? my need to be in control? fear of getting hurt and going for the guy who is there and tells me he loves me? I don't know what the issue is or maybe I do and its right in my face and I am writing them down now (take heed) but I do know I have to make some changes and number one has to be making myself happy as I am alone. I know I don't need a man, I know this, I want a man, I want to be a wife and mother, I've dreamed of it, I dream of it, but I have to love me by myself through and through and I have to be patient and let the universe bring me and the right man together, keeping faith and being true to my needs and wants is going to be the key I believe. I can't begin dwelling in the pain of breaking up, I mean I am allowing the pain to happen I just can't beat myself up for it and dwell in it forever. I plan to enjoy the rest of this summer and look forward to what this fall brings, you never know anything can happen. I met and fell for a great guy, sweet carrying honest faithful wise country, and I didn't make a mistake, I just didn't take into consideration that I needed a bit more in my man than this one is able to give at this time, (who knows he might become all I need and I all he needs, we might get together again, there is love there) but right now I have to stick to my guns and not feel like I am settling just because of a need to be loved by a man. I hope I am making since and I hope I am not seen as a crazy woman going through this. Advice from others is great and I'd love to hear your thoughts. Maybe my current plight will open someone else eyes to theirs. So there it is folks, what I am going through now, OHHHHHH I got P90X and plan to start this work out in the next week after getting all the equipment I need. I need to post my before shot and then in 90 days my after. I can tell yall how much I weigh, this will keep me on the straight and narrow on the road to health, 200 lbs, yes I weigh 200 lbs, I can't believe it either, 5'4 and that weight, UGH! I also bought a juicer and my dad and I have been juicing every morning its great I love doing it and we feel already like our insides are getting healthier. I am going to also take yoga, but I guess I have to be dedicated to following P90X for 90 days first. I'll keep yall posted on all that takes place as usual. Be blessed!

Family

Well I got back from our family reunion which took place in Evansville, Indiana, this past 4ht of July weekend. I hadn't been to a family reunion since I was a little little kid. 415 folk showed up, 300 or so didn't come imagine that. It was a fun time. Got to meet many and see those I hadn't seen in years. It was eye opening and made me realize how lucky I am to be apart of the family. We have some really beautiful people in my family, and I mean physically and all. And everyone seems successful, though the economy has hit a few they keep going forward, amazing to have that in a family large. My uncle Alton is the second oldest member that was at the reunion, I grew up knowing him, he is 85 and still kicking, there was one man older than him but probably only by a year or two and they are first cousins and lookes so much alike. That is the thing about family when you see them you begin to really see yourself, you can turn and see someone who looks like you but is a 3rd cousin or maybe even a 4th, you can see clearly the family resemblances, it was crazy and exciting to see all the connections. One dark spot was I had a huge, knock out fight with my sister in our hotel room. My dad witnessed the whole thing. What I learned about how my sister really feels about me was very eye opening, she is a trip, she hates me to say the least and one day I will write about our relationship and make it into a play. I guess the truth is you don't pick your family, you can't, you are just born into it and you can't pick your siblings, they just come with the territory, what you can do is elect to deal with them or not. You don't have to be friends or even associate, what you can do is be cordial and stay out of each others way, let your siblings live their lives and you live yours. Love the from afar.

Anyway, beyond that I am having a good time in my life here in Mississippi. The horses were well taken care of, my man handled that, and the house was secure. My dad and I are getting back into work mode around the ranch, today we cleared a feeder out of a bunch of bushes that had grown around it, got post out of there as well and I emptied pots of weeds that were growing in them. I was trying to start from a seed, some plants but it didn't work, so I am starting over. I plan to purchase the plants already started instead of starting from seeds. I want herbs and create a small herb garden, it would be really cool and we could have fresh spices and things to put into our food. Next I want to create a small garden in our back yard, haven't found a spot since my dad has the place looking great with lawn and pasture for the horses, but I am looking. I want to put in a lemon tree, apple tree and if possible a orange tree. In the garden I'd like collard or turnip greens, peas, squash, maybe some sweet corn, cuccumbers, egg plant and something else with color, not really into tomatos but maybe them just cause every garden has them. I want my daddy and I to eat healthier, we both need to lose weight and are going to. I want my daddy around for a long time and I'd like to live a long time. I also have to plant some colorful flowers around the house, dad is saying this like everyday so i am getting together with our neighbor and she is going to show me a thing or two, she has done wonders around her home, builds everything makes everything without the help of her husband or with it when its really heavy stuff she needs done. Its a great project to get into garden, makes your place look amazing. So before summer is up I am starting that. I started a cleanse diet yesterday, 3 days of water and 9 days of juice, fruit and veggie. My juicer came in the day before we left for the reunion and I am excited to use it. I need to clean my system out and hopefully kick start my weight lose. Dad and I need to lose 20lbs each by Sept.

I gotta cut this short as my man is sitting in the family room falling asleep and we haven't visited yet. But now that our computer is working again, its was down folks sorry, I'll write everyday.

Live and learn

Okay I have the patience and time to write was I was trying to write Sunday but it didn't post. Saturday, my man and I went to a little town called Taylor. It has an artist community that I was made aware of and suggested to check out. It also has a world famous restaurant that is known for its catfish. And I mean world famous and from what I hear the catfish is out of this world. I plan to eat there soon, didn't have time to do it this weekend. While there we went to an antique store, fabulous, lots of country antique stuff, it is called Tin Pan Alley Art and Antiques. They had 2 swing beds, beds that you can hang from a rafter or ceiling that swing, I gotta get one for a porch. I purchased a buddha that I had been looking for for years, funny that I found it in this little town but isn't that the way things go. I got some candles and a bar of soap. In two weeks the plan is to go back and visit during the farmers market that is suppose to be great, I'll get a chance to see the artist of the community. There is a theatre in this town and we went to two galleries. One had art that my man's friend had works hanging in (found out my man knows someone who is an artist, go figure) and the other had some fabulous jewelry and paintings. We got caught in a rain storm that brought with it hail, yes hail in the summer and mind you it was 90 degrees and only went down to 75 because of the storm. When we have storms here there is loud thunder and lightening, some serious lightening, a power source had been struck so we found out from the gallery owners husband as he come in from driving in the storm, he saw black smoke and everything. I can say this was kinda romantic to be caught in a storm like this with my man while we were looking at jewelry and art and the lady who owned the store was just like what you see in movies, funky unique glasses bright colored dress lots of jewelry and wild hair speaking with a thick Mississippi accent, she was great. Everyone was very welcoming. I have to say that when folks find out I am not from the area they always ask how I like Oxford and then they welcome me and let me know I'll get to appreciate it even more. Oops gotta run and take my dad to get his windsheild replaced, the hazards of living in the country riding dirt and graveled roads is you often get cracked windsheilds, had mine replaced from my travel across country as a result of a damn 18 wheeler kicking up rocks. I'll come back to finish later this evening.