Sunday, August 8, 2010

I know I know its been a while since i have written. i have been on the road and just working on me. I went to a horse show in Tulsa, Oklahoma with my dad. We saw a black rodeo, it was called Cowboys of Color. Never had seen that, thought I had because as a kid we knew black cowboys and saw them rodeo, I had a serious crush at 7 - 10 years old on a black cowboy named Raymond Culter, who used to work on training our horses with my dad. I just loved him, had dreams of us being a couple, the man was in his twenties and as I said was a kid, it wasn't gonna happen. Anyway my dad is still in contact with Ray, he is doing alright, has a wife and kids and still messes with horses. So we saw these black cowboys, many were FINE, just sexy in their duds, but then a lot were flashy and that turned me off a whole lot. I can't understand why black folk have to be flashy about almost everything we do. I mean these men had pierced ears with fake diamonds or maybe they were real, in their ears while riding a bull and roping cattle and bull dogging which is to slide off a horse while its running after a steer(which has horns) and grab the steer and pull it down. Its dangerous stuff, and earrings and necklaces should not be worn! I was like WTF?! what happened to old fashioned cowboys who didn't believe a man should wear earrings period, who chew tobacco and sleep on the ground in dirt with the saddle as their pillow? what happened to the cowboys who were just rugged, rough dirty but clean up well? I miss those guys, I love those guys, they are sexy! I sure would marry a cowboy, if he had all the other qualities I need in a man. Speaking of marrying, i finally hung with my ex yesterday and today. We had a good time, just talked a lot about nothing and then of course me being me I got us on the subject of us and why he hasn't fought to make me stay with him and keep the relationship. Why he hadn't called me at all not even to check on me, I've called him I even lied to my dad and said he called me so I didn't feel like an idiot for calling him to meet up yesterday. I called him and he called me back and I said I was wanting to go have a drink and he said he would go with me if I wanted so we met up and went to a lake near my home and had bottles of what we both like, he had bought them a while ago for us, and we had a couple drinks and talked. Then today he came over because he left his phone in my car, but he stayed and watched tv and the Cowboy/Bangles game which was horrible and long. He told me he thinks of me everyday all day, he misses me he wanted to give me my space and he was going to call me. I guess one of my down falls in life is that I have no patience and I am a dreamer, I dream of how love should be, i dream of how a relationship should go when reality is much different, its not like the movies. I don't know, I love this man, I told his family we were not dating now, one of his friends, and they all pretty much said that is fine our relationship doesn't change and he loves me and you never know you guys may end up back together. My sister said she thinks we well because every relationship has to go through a big break up. My dad teases me though I have the feeling he is hoping we don't get together again, but he wants me to be happy just worries that we aren't fully compatible, but then my dad is also supportive of what I want, he also thinks Mike can change but that he has to want to do it and he has to do it, I can't make him. Mike lacks some serious ambition. But he told me he is going to show me that he is changing, and he thinks its not to late for us. He wants to be married to me and have children, so he will show me how much. I guess I will just have to see, but I am not going to sit on the side lines and wait for him to show me, I am going to live my life like its golden and if he comes through then we will be a couple and if he is to late because another man gets me, then he is to late. I pray he comes through, cause yall he really is a good man in so many ways.

I am now preparing for rehearsals to begin on the play I'll be doing in Memphis, looking forward to it. Met some cool people at the theatre's season premiere party this past Saturday. It was fun to see black folk who are in the arts loving it so much. Met a really cool lady who just welcomed me into her world and I hope to hang out with her and her friends very soon. I know this is going to be a great experience and I will want to do it again and again and again.

I saw my sister, went to her house before going to the theatre party, she looks good, sounds good and focused, very proud of her. I know how family is, we fight but we get over things as well. I love my sister so very much, she is my sister and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. We get heated but it okay because we are smart enough to get over things. She has a lot of great qualities and I know in the end she loves me a hell of a lot and she would be there for me if anything were serious, and vice verse.

Well this is me now, trying to live a full life and be open to its possibilities. I am still looking for the right career for me, crazy right, but I may have found it, I'll keep you all posted as it develops and of course acting is forever in my blood and I'll do it till I can't and now horses have become a great past time, love learning about them, they are such beautiful animals. OH, our 3 month old colt who we call Big Man, got into the horse trailer today so he could eat. We have had the trailer backed up to his stall for weeks now and he was too afraid to step up and get in but my dad came in the house after feeding them this evening and said mission accomplished he got in. Its a milestone, very proud of that young baby. He had to see it was okay, his mama has been going in and out forever, she gets fed in there and he wasn't getting any food cause it was all in the trailer but finally he got hungry enough and said, F*&% it and got in. Now we have two other babies to work on and to get him halter lead. At the shows we went to we could have taken Big Man and he would have blown the babies we saw out of the water. We have some pretty damn good looking horses! I want us to breed one of the mares to a halter winning stud and I want to raise the baby into a halter horse. Maybe I can talk dad into doing that for me, but I know it will be my responsibility to get that horse in top shape. That is a challenge, am I ready to take it on?................

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