Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Starting Over

I am starting over, in my personal love life, in my work outs and body transformation, in my thoughts and feelings about my future. Many things make a person start anew, one thing lead me to do this and that was a complaint I received from a friend, actually from a few folks who had said something funky to me, but this particular friend hit a nerve. I posted on Face Book about how much prettier I would be if I could focus my mind and energy on working out and meeting my goals. This friend posted I need to stop whining on FB and that I only see the unhappy things in my life I need to learn to see the happiness in my life. It ticked me off because they didn't get what I was trying to convey and I am pretty tired of folks telling me what I should post on my FB page. I mean I don't ever tell anyone not to post what they do on their page so why do these people have the gull to tell me what to put up on mine. Of course I responded with well its my page I can post what I want and I do find happiness in my life. I also pointed out that it was interesting that folks chime in when they see what is thought of as negative post but don't comment on the many positive ones I post. I also said you don't have to read my page. I feel I was right in this one, and it caused the friend to rethink what they had posted and apologize and explain where they were coming from, I accepted the apology and said I understood. So with that I also decided that I will not post any of my thoughts on FB any longer, well not for a while, until I have done some soul searching and work on me. Maybe I do post to many negative thoughts, I actually had been working very hard on not doing this since others, a cousin and another friend, had posted I do it. The cousin and the friend hurt my feelings a whole lot, we haven't spoken since. I took a look then at my attitude and behavior and saw that there was room for improvement. I am taking another look now. I think people don't like to hear the truth of what is going on with others. They only want to read or hear the flowery stuff, roses blooming and butterfly's flying, but that isn't the whole of humanity, that isn't what all humans have everyday of their lives. Why can't we write how we truly feel with out being ostracized for it? I am a supporter a believer, I believe in people I support their efforts no matter what they are. If you aren't having the best day hey its okay I see that you are alright and things can and will get better. Others only see that its wrong to express your negative feelings. If we don't express them we will have more murders and suicides than we already do, that is what I think. I say express the good and the bad and keep it pushing. So on my blog I plan to do just that, express my feelings and share my life no matter where it is and how its going.

Okay, so here is the other area I am changing, my body. I joined a gym, finally started working out Monday March 29 did an hour on the treadmill, it felt great. I look forward to doing this for the next 2-3 weeks then I plan to incorporate weight training. I figure by August I should be 30lbs less.With this comes a diet change, no longer will I eat carbs, I am on a strick no carb diet for the next few months. I lost 45lbs doing this before, treadmill, no carbs and I felt much much better. I also did a marathon and completed it in my best time ever (I've done 5 thus far). I am reading my Oxygen Magazines again, love it, they keep me inspired and ready to go to the gym because I read them while on the treadmill. I love seeing how these amazing women have transformed their bodies and I feel like I can do the same. A new FB friend, Paula Hannah, is just a couple year older than me and she has transformed her body and done a fitness model competition. She looks fantastic and has been supportive of me doing the same. Dedication to self and just doing it seems to be the much needed mind set. I am gaining my focus back. I will live the dream I have set for myself.

The final piece to my start over is with my country man. Yes  we are back on, well I think we are, I kinda got annoyed with him about not being able to tell me why he loves me. He said he loved me because of my ambition and drive. That was it, I was like anything else, he said I don't know. He couldn't think of anything else. Well this didn't make me feel to secure and I said he should think about that because maybe he doesn't love me like he thinks he does. I hope it wasn't just for sex. Okay I know I might be pushing it asking a man to express himself especially one from the country who is super simple and laid back and very quiet, but I am a force I am emotional expressive and romantic I live the movie life, or at least I want to, not possible I know, but I dream it. I have always wanted a man to say to me, I love you more than anything more than I can express and I need you even more, you are may life and I hurts to be with out you. Well its never happened and I see its not going to happen with this man. He will never express or show me he is upset with me when we aren't together, he has told me this. He keeps it inside, it bothers him when we break up but he will not ever let anyone know it. How do I deal with that? I'm sure I'm not being fair. to him by requesting he share his unrequited love for me to the world and me. You can't change a man for anything and you can't get them to do what you want to do unless they really want to do it., that is what I have learned. You have to accept them for who they are as they have to do the same with you. Yes we will grow together but boy with this one we have some growing rough patches going on and really mostly because of my needs. Thing is I really love this guy, he has more pros than cons and I do feel he loves me, I don't know why I need to know more that he loves me or see more that he loves me, maybe I have a mental issue. I think its because of the movie life I wanted to live, the romanticism I live for. He and I are complete opposites which could give us a balance but instead often drives me nuts but not so nutty that I don't want to be with him. I like being with him, I had to get over my ideal of what a man in my life should be like, you know the box you create or that is created by society of what a man should be like for a woman, I had to see the qualities he posses and appreciate them and also realize he is human and raised different from me and he has his own issues to deal with besides taking me on. But the interesting thing is he is very willing to take me on, never has he pushed me away, only I have pushed him way. Its hard for me to give over to be committed I just started telling people again that we were back and he was my man,  he has never told anyone I am his girlfriend, oh wait his cousin asked him when we were in Atlanta and she said he said yes, but he doesn't say "this is my girlfriend" didn't before and doesn't seem to now. He also doesn't like to display affection in public which is weird to me and I hate not being able to do that. I give two craps what others think if my man is holding my hand or kisses me, we aren't having sex or making out like crazy so what is the big deal? I have to change him of that because that simply drives me nuts for real. I feel like two people in love and showing it or expressing it is way better than when you see two people fighting and in an unhealthy relationship, we see enough of that, I've been through enough of that. So here I am again, with the country man, trying to figure out how to make this work and last. Gosh I hope I find a balance and a peace and just learn to love him as much as I can, accept his love as it is and not need so much from him. Starting over......right.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I'm a Professor

Its been some time since last I wrote on this thing, sad but true. I've started teaching at the University of Mississippi, completed so far 51 days straight of working out, done a 21 day raw food challenge and a 8 day water fast and a 5 juice fast, I've had a birthday and today is what would be my Mommy's 66th birthday, happy birthday to you Mommy you are dearly missed. In my life things seem smooth and good, and for the most part they are, but I recently had maybe an epiphany, I am not sure I want to get married or have children after all. A friend posted on my Facbook page a youtube clip of me asking a question about sticking to the profession of acting that I posed to Mr. Morgan Freeman when I was just a 1st year grad student at the Actor's Studio Drama School. Seeing the clip brought up memories, good ones, and hearing Mr. Freeman's answer made me think about what I am doing in my life now. Am I giving up on acting or being a professional actor if I am becoming a professor of acting? I don't want to let my dream of being a working actor go, at least not just yet it seems. And I have been so badly wanting to be a wife and mother that I have been looking for the right guy, who by the way either is or isn't standing in front of me now trying to get back into my heart/mind/body/soul. The man I am speaking of I began dating before I came to Mississippi, but I broke it off after 8months because I just didn't see the ambition or drive in him I need from a mate. He is a country man, super simple in his thoughts and ways, no fuss no muss. He isn't going to try to deviate from the norm to much, though he wants me which is weird cause I'm like no woman he has been around, which he says he likes. He loves my ambition and says it makes him want to be a better man and do more, but his doing more is very very slow in its process. I have over time seen some small changes, very small and I give him props but I am me and I need to see more. A woman wants to feel secure, the three P's fall under the security a woman wants from a man, we need them to, as Steve Harvey said in his book: Protect, Profess & Provide. I feel like this man gets me and wants give me his all but then I wonder is his all good enough for me? Am I being selfish in my needs and wants from a man. So all this was brought up after I saw the youtube clip of me and Mr. Freeman and talking about my life long dream. Can a woman really have it all, wife, mother, career she really
loves and be dedicated to all of it? I have seen examples of this, my mom was my primary example, my dear friend Elio's wife Norma is a big example, my cousin Dee Dee and other example(though I'm not sure she is actually doing the career she truly loves) and a couple other ladies, though to be honest a good majority of my friends and family have gotten divorced so what does that tell me, maybe you can't have it all. The other thing I am wrestling with, and my friend loves all that WWF Wrestling and quietly I had begun watching a bit of it with him we do that don't we watch things or do things people we love do even though we never would do it on our own, he watches the Real Housewives shows with me - trade off. But back to what I was saying what I am wrestling with is am I expecting to much from a possible relationship, am I missing the point of a good relationship and does it have to be perfect for it to be good, I mean do I have to have the super intellectual man that is arrogant selfish but makes decent money and has something to talk about, do I have to have the man that makes my toes curl EVERY TIME we make love though he is none committal and all about self. Is it okay to date and love a man who is not perfect but has really great qualities, he may not be the intellectual power house you thought you would fall for, he maybe simple in his ways and thoughts, he may just agree with you because he doesn't like to fight or argue, he may not be as ambitious as you but he isn't lazy either, he does work and will work until he dies, what he brings home may not be a lot but its helpful and maybe there are other things one has to consider are great assets and worth much more than dollar bills. How do I know if the man in front of me is the one and that I need look no more, or how do I know to walk away and look no more so I can keep pursuing my dreams? Let me throw this in there, this man who seems to love me now, said its up to me if we had kids when I said I'm not sure I want to have a baby after all, he is fine either way. He just wants me. hummmmmm.