Its been some time since last I wrote on this thing, sad but true. I've started teaching at the University of Mississippi, completed so far 51 days straight of working out, done a 21 day raw food challenge and a 8 day water fast and a 5 juice fast, I've had a birthday and today is what would be my Mommy's 66th birthday, happy birthday to you Mommy you are dearly missed. In my life things seem smooth and good, and for the most part they are, but I recently had maybe an epiphany, I am not sure I want to get married or have children after all. A friend posted on my Facbook page a youtube clip of me asking a question about sticking to the profession of acting that I posed to Mr. Morgan Freeman when I was just a 1st year grad student at the Actor's Studio Drama School. Seeing the clip brought up memories, good ones, and hearing Mr. Freeman's answer made me think about what I am doing in my life now. Am I giving up on acting or being a professional actor if I am becoming a professor of acting? I don't want to let my dream of being a working actor go, at least not just yet it seems. And I have been so badly wanting to be a wife and mother that I have been looking for the right guy, who by the way either is or isn't standing in front of me now trying to get back into my heart/mind/body/soul. The man I am speaking of I began dating before I came to Mississippi, but I broke it off after 8months because I just didn't see the ambition or drive in him I need from a mate. He is a country man, super simple in his thoughts and ways, no fuss no muss. He isn't going to try to deviate from the norm to much, though he wants me which is weird cause I'm like no woman he has been around, which he says he likes. He loves my ambition and says it makes him want to be a better man and do more, but his doing more is very very slow in its process. I have over time seen some small changes, very small and I give him props but I am me and I need to see more. A woman wants to feel secure, the three P's fall under the security a woman wants from a man, we need them to, as Steve Harvey said in his book: Protect, Profess & Provide. I feel like this man gets me and wants give me his all but then I wonder is his all good enough for me? Am I being selfish in my needs and wants from a man. So all this was brought up after I saw the youtube clip of me and Mr. Freeman and talking about my life long dream. Can a woman really have it all, wife, mother, career she really
loves and be dedicated to all of it? I have seen examples of this, my mom was my primary example, my dear friend Elio's wife Norma is a big example, my cousin Dee Dee and other example(though I'm not sure she is actually doing the career she truly loves) and a couple other ladies, though to be honest a good majority of my friends and family have gotten divorced so what does that tell me, maybe you can't have it all. The other thing I am wrestling with, and my friend loves all that WWF Wrestling and quietly I had begun watching a bit of it with him we do that don't we watch things or do things people we love do even though we never would do it on our own, he watches the Real Housewives shows with me - trade off. But back to what I was saying what I am wrestling with is am I expecting to much from a possible relationship, am I missing the point of a good relationship and does it have to be perfect for it to be good, I mean do I have to have the super intellectual man that is arrogant selfish but makes decent money and has something to talk about, do I have to have the man that makes my toes curl EVERY TIME we make love though he is none committal and all about self. Is it okay to date and love a man who is not perfect but has really great qualities, he may not be the intellectual power house you thought you would fall for, he maybe simple in his ways and thoughts, he may just agree with you because he doesn't like to fight or argue, he may not be as ambitious as you but he isn't lazy either, he does work and will work until he dies, what he brings home may not be a lot but its helpful and maybe there are other things one has to consider are great assets and worth much more than dollar bills. How do I know if the man in front of me is the one and that I need look no more, or how do I know to walk away and look no more so I can keep pursuing my dreams? Let me throw this in there, this man who seems to love me now, said its up to me if we had kids when I said I'm not sure I want to have a baby after all, he is fine either way. He just wants me. hummmmmm.