I am starting over, in my personal love life, in my work outs and body transformation, in my thoughts and feelings about my future. Many things make a person start anew, one thing lead me to do this and that was a complaint I received from a friend, actually from a few folks who had said something funky to me, but this particular friend hit a nerve. I posted on Face Book about how much prettier I would be if I could focus my mind and energy on working out and meeting my goals. This friend posted I need to stop whining on FB and that I only see the unhappy things in my life I need to learn to see the happiness in my life. It ticked me off because they didn't get what I was trying to convey and I am pretty tired of folks telling me what I should post on my FB page. I mean I don't ever tell anyone not to post what they do on their page so why do these people have the gull to tell me what to put up on mine. Of course I responded with well its my page I can post what I want and I do find happiness in my life. I also pointed out that it was interesting that folks chime in when they see what is thought of as negative post but don't comment on the many positive ones I post. I also said you don't have to read my page. I feel I was right in this one, and it caused the friend to rethink what they had posted and apologize and explain where they were coming from, I accepted the apology and said I understood. So with that I also decided that I will not post any of my thoughts on FB any longer, well not for a while, until I have done some soul searching and work on me. Maybe I do post to many negative thoughts, I actually had been working very hard on not doing this since others, a cousin and another friend, had posted I do it. The cousin and the friend hurt my feelings a whole lot, we haven't spoken since. I took a look then at my attitude and behavior and saw that there was room for improvement. I am taking another look now. I think people don't like to hear the truth of what is going on with others. They only want to read or hear the flowery stuff, roses blooming and butterfly's flying, but that isn't the whole of humanity, that isn't what all humans have everyday of their lives. Why can't we write how we truly feel with out being ostracized for it? I am a supporter a believer, I believe in people I support their efforts no matter what they are. If you aren't having the best day hey its okay I see that you are alright and things can and will get better. Others only see that its wrong to express your negative feelings. If we don't express them we will have more murders and suicides than we already do, that is what I think. I say express the good and the bad and keep it pushing. So on my blog I plan to do just that, express my feelings and share my life no matter where it is and how its going.
Okay, so here is the other area I am changing, my body. I joined a gym, finally started working out Monday March 29 did an hour on the treadmill, it felt great. I look forward to doing this for the next 2-3 weeks then I plan to incorporate weight training. I figure by August I should be 30lbs less.With this comes a diet change, no longer will I eat carbs, I am on a strick no carb diet for the next few months. I lost 45lbs doing this before, treadmill, no carbs and I felt much much better. I also did a marathon and completed it in my best time ever (I've done 5 thus far). I am reading my Oxygen Magazines again, love it, they keep me inspired and ready to go to the gym because I read them while on the treadmill. I love seeing how these amazing women have transformed their bodies and I feel like I can do the same. A new FB friend, Paula Hannah, is just a couple year older than me and she has transformed her body and done a fitness model competition. She looks fantastic and has been supportive of me doing the same. Dedication to self and just doing it seems to be the much needed mind set. I am gaining my focus back. I will live the dream I have set for myself.
The final piece to my start over is with my country man. Yes we are back on, well I think we are, I kinda got annoyed with him about not being able to tell me why he loves me. He said he loved me because of my ambition and drive. That was it, I was like anything else, he said I don't know. He couldn't think of anything else. Well this didn't make me feel to secure and I said he should think about that because maybe he doesn't love me like he thinks he does. I hope it wasn't just for sex. Okay I know I might be pushing it asking a man to express himself especially one from the country who is super simple and laid back and very quiet, but I am a force I am emotional expressive and romantic I live the movie life, or at least I want to, not possible I know, but I dream it. I have always wanted a man to say to me, I love you more than anything more than I can express and I need you even more, you are may life and I hurts to be with out you. Well its never happened and I see its not going to happen with this man. He will never express or show me he is upset with me when we aren't together, he has told me this. He keeps it inside, it bothers him when we break up but he will not ever let anyone know it. How do I deal with that? I'm sure I'm not being fair. to him by requesting he share his unrequited love for me to the world and me. You can't change a man for anything and you can't get them to do what you want to do unless they really want to do it., that is what I have learned. You have to accept them for who they are as they have to do the same with you. Yes we will grow together but boy with this one we have some growing rough patches going on and really mostly because of my needs. Thing is I really love this guy, he has more pros than cons and I do feel he loves me, I don't know why I need to know more that he loves me or see more that he loves me, maybe I have a mental issue. I think its because of the movie life I wanted to live, the romanticism I live for. He and I are complete opposites which could give us a balance but instead often drives me nuts but not so nutty that I don't want to be with him. I like being with him, I had to get over my ideal of what a man in my life should be like, you know the box you create or that is created by society of what a man should be like for a woman, I had to see the qualities he posses and appreciate them and also realize he is human and raised different from me and he has his own issues to deal with besides taking me on. But the interesting thing is he is very willing to take me on, never has he pushed me away, only I have pushed him way. Its hard for me to give over to be committed I just started telling people again that we were back and he was my man, he has never told anyone I am his girlfriend, oh wait his cousin asked him when we were in Atlanta and she said he said yes, but he doesn't say "this is my girlfriend" didn't before and doesn't seem to now. He also doesn't like to display affection in public which is weird to me and I hate not being able to do that. I give two craps what others think if my man is holding my hand or kisses me, we aren't having sex or making out like crazy so what is the big deal? I have to change him of that because that simply drives me nuts for real. I feel like two people in love and showing it or expressing it is way better than when you see two people fighting and in an unhealthy relationship, we see enough of that, I've been through enough of that. So here I am again, with the country man, trying to figure out how to make this work and last. Gosh I hope I find a balance and a peace and just learn to love him as much as I can, accept his love as it is and not need so much from him. Starting over......right.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I'm a Professor
Its been some time since last I wrote on this thing, sad but true. I've started teaching at the University of Mississippi, completed so far 51 days straight of working out, done a 21 day raw food challenge and a 8 day water fast and a 5 juice fast, I've had a birthday and today is what would be my Mommy's 66th birthday, happy birthday to you Mommy you are dearly missed. In my life things seem smooth and good, and for the most part they are, but I recently had maybe an epiphany, I am not sure I want to get married or have children after all. A friend posted on my Facbook page a youtube clip of me asking a question about sticking to the profession of acting that I posed to Mr. Morgan Freeman when I was just a 1st year grad student at the Actor's Studio Drama School. Seeing the clip brought up memories, good ones, and hearing Mr. Freeman's answer made me think about what I am doing in my life now. Am I giving up on acting or being a professional actor if I am becoming a professor of acting? I don't want to let my dream of being a working actor go, at least not just yet it seems. And I have been so badly wanting to be a wife and mother that I have been looking for the right guy, who by the way either is or isn't standing in front of me now trying to get back into my heart/mind/body/soul. The man I am speaking of I began dating before I came to Mississippi, but I broke it off after 8months because I just didn't see the ambition or drive in him I need from a mate. He is a country man, super simple in his thoughts and ways, no fuss no muss. He isn't going to try to deviate from the norm to much, though he wants me which is weird cause I'm like no woman he has been around, which he says he likes. He loves my ambition and says it makes him want to be a better man and do more, but his doing more is very very slow in its process. I have over time seen some small changes, very small and I give him props but I am me and I need to see more. A woman wants to feel secure, the three P's fall under the security a woman wants from a man, we need them to, as Steve Harvey said in his book: Protect, Profess & Provide. I feel like this man gets me and wants give me his all but then I wonder is his all good enough for me? Am I being selfish in my needs and wants from a man. So all this was brought up after I saw the youtube clip of me and Mr. Freeman and talking about my life long dream. Can a woman really have it all, wife, mother, career she really
loves and be dedicated to all of it? I have seen examples of this, my mom was my primary example, my dear friend Elio's wife Norma is a big example, my cousin Dee Dee and other example(though I'm not sure she is actually doing the career she truly loves) and a couple other ladies, though to be honest a good majority of my friends and family have gotten divorced so what does that tell me, maybe you can't have it all. The other thing I am wrestling with, and my friend loves all that WWF Wrestling and quietly I had begun watching a bit of it with him we do that don't we watch things or do things people we love do even though we never would do it on our own, he watches the Real Housewives shows with me - trade off. But back to what I was saying what I am wrestling with is am I expecting to much from a possible relationship, am I missing the point of a good relationship and does it have to be perfect for it to be good, I mean do I have to have the super intellectual man that is arrogant selfish but makes decent money and has something to talk about, do I have to have the man that makes my toes curl EVERY TIME we make love though he is none committal and all about self. Is it okay to date and love a man who is not perfect but has really great qualities, he may not be the intellectual power house you thought you would fall for, he maybe simple in his ways and thoughts, he may just agree with you because he doesn't like to fight or argue, he may not be as ambitious as you but he isn't lazy either, he does work and will work until he dies, what he brings home may not be a lot but its helpful and maybe there are other things one has to consider are great assets and worth much more than dollar bills. How do I know if the man in front of me is the one and that I need look no more, or how do I know to walk away and look no more so I can keep pursuing my dreams? Let me throw this in there, this man who seems to love me now, said its up to me if we had kids when I said I'm not sure I want to have a baby after all, he is fine either way. He just wants me. hummmmmm.
loves and be dedicated to all of it? I have seen examples of this, my mom was my primary example, my dear friend Elio's wife Norma is a big example, my cousin Dee Dee and other example(though I'm not sure she is actually doing the career she truly loves) and a couple other ladies, though to be honest a good majority of my friends and family have gotten divorced so what does that tell me, maybe you can't have it all. The other thing I am wrestling with, and my friend loves all that WWF Wrestling and quietly I had begun watching a bit of it with him we do that don't we watch things or do things people we love do even though we never would do it on our own, he watches the Real Housewives shows with me - trade off. But back to what I was saying what I am wrestling with is am I expecting to much from a possible relationship, am I missing the point of a good relationship and does it have to be perfect for it to be good, I mean do I have to have the super intellectual man that is arrogant selfish but makes decent money and has something to talk about, do I have to have the man that makes my toes curl EVERY TIME we make love though he is none committal and all about self. Is it okay to date and love a man who is not perfect but has really great qualities, he may not be the intellectual power house you thought you would fall for, he maybe simple in his ways and thoughts, he may just agree with you because he doesn't like to fight or argue, he may not be as ambitious as you but he isn't lazy either, he does work and will work until he dies, what he brings home may not be a lot but its helpful and maybe there are other things one has to consider are great assets and worth much more than dollar bills. How do I know if the man in front of me is the one and that I need look no more, or how do I know to walk away and look no more so I can keep pursuing my dreams? Let me throw this in there, this man who seems to love me now, said its up to me if we had kids when I said I'm not sure I want to have a baby after all, he is fine either way. He just wants me. hummmmmm.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Laughing at what life brings you
to be honest I am only going to chat briefly as its late and I do need to get to bed so I can get up and go on a 2 mile run, yes in the freezing cold I am attempting this. Anyway, I have been having a very interesting relationship with a man hundreds of miles away yet he feels close, maybe to close, LOL. Okay I was introduced to this man to get his advice about teaching at a southern university, though he actually is in an eastern area school, Indiana University. We started off speaking professionally but it quickly went to another realm of reality. We have a few things in common but we are beginning our little friendship off kinda tumultuously. We seem to not understand each others humor or sarcasm. He is a brotha from LA working on his Ph.D, a fraternity guy and college professor. To sum him up, cockey egotistical SOB going thru a divorce. Now you'd think someone who is going through a divorce might, well rethink his approach to women and come a little less arrogantly, but no this brotha is confident he is grand enough to make any woman swoon. He hadn't met me until now and he has found that I am not easily impressed. We have had verbal and text disagreements, I just can't get on his side and he can't seem to get on mine, yet he really wants to be, wants to try hard....yeah right. In 8 days of just texting and two verbal conversations I made up my mind that he is not the one. Reminded me of an old boyfriend that took me 4 years to get rid of and I ended up getting very screwed in that old relationship. Its like listen to the gut, listen to what you know to be true and move on, its okay, someone else is on his way. I do say I like that he was educated and at times funny, and it appears he is capable of living outside of LA, however, the constant trying to defend myself or explain myself and him having to do the same for me as well as his want to have text sex or phone sex (LOL, you read right) became annoying and he began to aggravate me and I know I did him. Its funny that he wanted me to keep giving it time, he is so sure that in time we will get past all this cause we are getting to know each other and it does happen that some relationships that start off tumultuous end up the most loving. I am not so sure I am willing to place my bet on that one, been there tried that didn't work!
Other than that interesting bit of life, its cold as hell in Oxford. My feet and hands itch due to the darn heat and cold mix. I have to get used to this winter weather again, don't have my NYC toughness but I have been going out in it and doing work outs as you read above. I tell ya I am on a mission cause I am sick of whining and crying and feeling ugly, to lose weight. I have seen pictures of myself this holiday season and I am appalled at how fat I look, disgusted! and I am tired tired tired of talking about it, plus I am about the teach some college kids I want to look appealing at least. Help! Okay so we have had a little cat adopt us here on the ranch it stays in the hay stacks and dad has taken to feeding it. Its cute fluffy and I do feed it as well, only thing is I am pretty sure she belongs to someone else and I sure wouldn't want to take someone else baby. I am thinking about getting a Pomeranian and a kitten to raise up :-) we shall see. I still want an Australian Sheep dog, very ranch dog. But more animals require more responsibility and time to care for them so i am not sure I am ready to commit to it.
Well I need to hit the sack, was up till 4am with that nutty professor keeping me on the phone trying to get me to talk dirty to him, he'll say he wasn't but I know the truth and so does he!
Other than that interesting bit of life, its cold as hell in Oxford. My feet and hands itch due to the darn heat and cold mix. I have to get used to this winter weather again, don't have my NYC toughness but I have been going out in it and doing work outs as you read above. I tell ya I am on a mission cause I am sick of whining and crying and feeling ugly, to lose weight. I have seen pictures of myself this holiday season and I am appalled at how fat I look, disgusted! and I am tired tired tired of talking about it, plus I am about the teach some college kids I want to look appealing at least. Help! Okay so we have had a little cat adopt us here on the ranch it stays in the hay stacks and dad has taken to feeding it. Its cute fluffy and I do feed it as well, only thing is I am pretty sure she belongs to someone else and I sure wouldn't want to take someone else baby. I am thinking about getting a Pomeranian and a kitten to raise up :-) we shall see. I still want an Australian Sheep dog, very ranch dog. But more animals require more responsibility and time to care for them so i am not sure I am ready to commit to it.
Well I need to hit the sack, was up till 4am with that nutty professor keeping me on the phone trying to get me to talk dirty to him, he'll say he wasn't but I know the truth and so does he!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Fall is here In Oxford
Now its a damn shame I haven't written in like......like......months, but I have kind of an excuse. I did a play with Hattiloo Theatre, that was fun, stressful, challenging, and unfortunately not as well received as we wanted it to be. I studied to take the Life Insurance exam in Mississippi, I failed missed by 3 points, bummer. And now for the fun exciting good news: I will be teaching this coming spring, 2011 at the University of Mississippi that is Ole Miss to most, and I will be shooting an independent film in May. What will I be teaching you might ask, well Theatre Appreciation and Audition Technique. One class will have up to 400 students, Uh yeah I mean I am a force but uhhhhh we will see how much of one I really am with this class, the other is 12-16 theatre majors, so you know they are fun, emotional and willing to work. I have to say I am very excited about teaching seems that I am following in my parents foot steps. I think my Mommy is looking down at me now saying "Fool I kept trying to get you to go into teaching, but I am glad you finally saw the light" :-) Daddy seems to be proud, telling a couple people about it, his feathers are puffed up :-) He gives me great advice about the academic world and how to maneuver in it. I am looking for a theatre professor mentor who could really give me some guidance on academia and being an artist.
Okay what else has happened on the ranch, oh our yearling filly sliced the front part of her tongue off a couple weeks back. I was going to feed her and the 3 year old and saw something that I thought was a leaf hanging from her mouth but when I tried to get it I noticed it didn't just fall off like it would from her moving, so I looked again and then I saw her tongue hanging out her mouth. Called dad over and he was like OH SHIT, what the hell, how did she do that?! so we separated her and the 3 year old called the doc and he came in the morning. Funny thing was she wasn't in any pain just wanted to eat. I went out to check on her that night to see if she was okay, and low and behold the hanging tongue came off and was in the dirt, I called dad told him to bring me a plastic bag, you know to save the tongue incase the doc wanted to sow it back on, and picked up the piece of meat. It was the front tip of her tongue. So the Doc came said she would be fine and would just have an odd shaped tongue, gave her a shot and that was that. Oh the things animals do. We aren't sure how she sliced it but probably on a piece of metal on her feeder licking it got it caught and pulled hard to get it out and slice! Did you read that I picked up the tongue and put it in the plastic bag...am I becoming a ranch girl or what :-)! Then last weekend the 3 year old filly got a bit of colic, now let me tell you a little about colic, if a horse gets this they will roll, meaning lay on the ground and roll because they are trying to relieve the pain in their belly. When they roll it twist their intestines and that is not good at all, once the intestines are twisted and if they are bad the horse will die. So daddy saw Cody (the 3 year old) laying down when he went to feed her and her partner the yearling filly (High), she didn't get up to come eat and that is a sign something ain't right. So he comes in racing to call the vet and tells me the 3 year old is down. I had just gotten in from a 2 mile run didn't notice my girls not acknowledging me in the morning, usually I see everyone when I head out, so I quickly got dressed and went out to see what was up. We got her on the lead rope and walked her so she wouldn't lay down, vet came gave her a pain relieving shot said her bowels were moving and that is good that she probably had a mild case of colic we just had to watch her. We stayed out with her from 8am til 2pm, I walked her a lot and talked to her, we gave her some mineral oil, to help her go boom boom, she did once for me so what was good but her belly seemed to still hurt she wanted to lay down, again we didn't want her to do that, I called the vet again at 12p after dad and I gave her a 2nd pain shot he said see how she does and if in an hour she is still looking sad call him he would come out. Well in just past an hour she seemed to be getting a little better but the vet arrived anyway (way to go vet came without the call, he knows how important our animals are to us) The vet gave her some mineral oil thru a tub that went up her nose, never had seen that before but its much better than fighting them trying to get it down their throat through their mouth, that can be hazardous. Finally let her go and she went to have water which is a great sign and she didn't try to lay down which is and even better sign. I did post on my facebook page pictures of her and the yearling laying down next to each other, that was the colic day. Cody is doing much better now, eating and drinking water, sometimes it takes a week for them to get back to normal so each day she is getting back to her old self. I had my dad give me the vet book on horses and I read a bit of it that day, it was interesting. I thought to myself hell I should have become a vet, but the thing is I love animals so much it would hurt me to see them when they are not at their best I don't know how I'd handle it.
Well that is all the excitement that has taken place in the past few months. I am still single, slowly losing weight, Oh i did a 5 day juice fast fantastic, thinking of becoming a vegan, slowly making the transition, (creating a garden have the location mapped out and have begun two compost barrels) and jogging 2 miles a day about to up it to 2 1/2. My plan is to lose at least 10 lbs before I begin teaching this spring so I can wear what is in my closet, and by next September be down to 125lbs, got a ways to go but I am not 192lbs down from 200lbs so I figure I am on my way :-) I'll of course keep yall posted, and at some point I'll put up pictures, you guys I am sure would want to see pictures of our ranch and the horses and all the changes taking place right?!
Until next time -
Peace and blessing,
Sugar
Okay what else has happened on the ranch, oh our yearling filly sliced the front part of her tongue off a couple weeks back. I was going to feed her and the 3 year old and saw something that I thought was a leaf hanging from her mouth but when I tried to get it I noticed it didn't just fall off like it would from her moving, so I looked again and then I saw her tongue hanging out her mouth. Called dad over and he was like OH SHIT, what the hell, how did she do that?! so we separated her and the 3 year old called the doc and he came in the morning. Funny thing was she wasn't in any pain just wanted to eat. I went out to check on her that night to see if she was okay, and low and behold the hanging tongue came off and was in the dirt, I called dad told him to bring me a plastic bag, you know to save the tongue incase the doc wanted to sow it back on, and picked up the piece of meat. It was the front tip of her tongue. So the Doc came said she would be fine and would just have an odd shaped tongue, gave her a shot and that was that. Oh the things animals do. We aren't sure how she sliced it but probably on a piece of metal on her feeder licking it got it caught and pulled hard to get it out and slice! Did you read that I picked up the tongue and put it in the plastic bag...am I becoming a ranch girl or what :-)! Then last weekend the 3 year old filly got a bit of colic, now let me tell you a little about colic, if a horse gets this they will roll, meaning lay on the ground and roll because they are trying to relieve the pain in their belly. When they roll it twist their intestines and that is not good at all, once the intestines are twisted and if they are bad the horse will die. So daddy saw Cody (the 3 year old) laying down when he went to feed her and her partner the yearling filly (High), she didn't get up to come eat and that is a sign something ain't right. So he comes in racing to call the vet and tells me the 3 year old is down. I had just gotten in from a 2 mile run didn't notice my girls not acknowledging me in the morning, usually I see everyone when I head out, so I quickly got dressed and went out to see what was up. We got her on the lead rope and walked her so she wouldn't lay down, vet came gave her a pain relieving shot said her bowels were moving and that is good that she probably had a mild case of colic we just had to watch her. We stayed out with her from 8am til 2pm, I walked her a lot and talked to her, we gave her some mineral oil, to help her go boom boom, she did once for me so what was good but her belly seemed to still hurt she wanted to lay down, again we didn't want her to do that, I called the vet again at 12p after dad and I gave her a 2nd pain shot he said see how she does and if in an hour she is still looking sad call him he would come out. Well in just past an hour she seemed to be getting a little better but the vet arrived anyway (way to go vet came without the call, he knows how important our animals are to us) The vet gave her some mineral oil thru a tub that went up her nose, never had seen that before but its much better than fighting them trying to get it down their throat through their mouth, that can be hazardous. Finally let her go and she went to have water which is a great sign and she didn't try to lay down which is and even better sign. I did post on my facebook page pictures of her and the yearling laying down next to each other, that was the colic day. Cody is doing much better now, eating and drinking water, sometimes it takes a week for them to get back to normal so each day she is getting back to her old self. I had my dad give me the vet book on horses and I read a bit of it that day, it was interesting. I thought to myself hell I should have become a vet, but the thing is I love animals so much it would hurt me to see them when they are not at their best I don't know how I'd handle it.
Well that is all the excitement that has taken place in the past few months. I am still single, slowly losing weight, Oh i did a 5 day juice fast fantastic, thinking of becoming a vegan, slowly making the transition, (creating a garden have the location mapped out and have begun two compost barrels) and jogging 2 miles a day about to up it to 2 1/2. My plan is to lose at least 10 lbs before I begin teaching this spring so I can wear what is in my closet, and by next September be down to 125lbs, got a ways to go but I am not 192lbs down from 200lbs so I figure I am on my way :-) I'll of course keep yall posted, and at some point I'll put up pictures, you guys I am sure would want to see pictures of our ranch and the horses and all the changes taking place right?!
Until next time -
Peace and blessing,
Sugar
Friday, August 13, 2010
Circle of Life
Yesterday was my sisters birthday, boy she is growing up and getting old, LOL. Love her though can't help it.
We fed the horses and cleaned the yard. It was hot at 8am, I mean damn hot. We worked in the yard until 10am and let me tell you I was pouring sweat like a whore in church, like a pig over a fire pit. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip etc. We raked up the grass that dad had cut, it was a work out trust me. The horses were like, its to hot to do much of anything but find shade and eat. Our Big Man is 3 months now and Little Girl will be 4 months tomorrow, soon they will be weened. Its so sad that they have to depart from their moms soon, they are getting big, growing up and becoming such beautiful horses. We really have some amazing animals, such gorgeousness. My dad breeds our mares well. The unfortunate part is that the industry is financially affected by the economy, so what would have sold for ridiculous amounts of money doesn't. Our babies are worth so much, but you have to answer to the economy and what everyone in the industry is doing. While at the sale in Memphis it was so clear that no one was able to afford much even for well bread horses. Its a tough industry but its worth the work that is entailed in it. I look forward to learning more about it.
I am spreading myself a little thin though, acting, dealing with the horses, working out everyday, and finding a lucrative career to take on. But I do this, its my MO as they say, I have to be doing more than one thing at a time or I wouldn't be content. Keeps my mind going, and makes me feel like I am achieving my goals, well actually I am achieving them. I realized that I am truly blessed, blessed to be from the family I am, to have the things I do and for living the life I live. Its pretty special to be able to hang with my daddy and learn his passion as well as pursue mine. I have had to learn that life isn't always what you think it should be but it is what its suppose to be and my life is pretty good as it is. I have met some really great people in Oxford, I was hopeful I would but I wasn't sure I would. So far I've been able to enjoy everyone I have hung out with. Yesterday I was invited to join a group of wine/liquor tasters, made up of mostly professors from the campus who have transplanted here to teach. I was welcomed in and found what I hope will be some pretty great friends. Oxford, MS is small, and there are some weird differences here, things I am not used to, but it has its cool points as well. Everyone should come visit me in Oxford, while I am still here :-)
Another note, Paul Rudd, a teacher at Actor's Studio Drama School, passed away yesterday. I never had him as my teacher, I got to do a work shop with him and I was always able to talk to him about acting and he was always a joy and honest and to the point. A great artist, a great man of love, he was cherished by all of us at ASDS and will be missed terribly, but if we have belief in anything have belief that one day we will meet again and it will be with loads of light and great music, sex, dancing, laughing, performing and good wine. Much love to you Mr. Rudd, until we meet agian, cheers!
Sugar
We fed the horses and cleaned the yard. It was hot at 8am, I mean damn hot. We worked in the yard until 10am and let me tell you I was pouring sweat like a whore in church, like a pig over a fire pit. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip etc. We raked up the grass that dad had cut, it was a work out trust me. The horses were like, its to hot to do much of anything but find shade and eat. Our Big Man is 3 months now and Little Girl will be 4 months tomorrow, soon they will be weened. Its so sad that they have to depart from their moms soon, they are getting big, growing up and becoming such beautiful horses. We really have some amazing animals, such gorgeousness. My dad breeds our mares well. The unfortunate part is that the industry is financially affected by the economy, so what would have sold for ridiculous amounts of money doesn't. Our babies are worth so much, but you have to answer to the economy and what everyone in the industry is doing. While at the sale in Memphis it was so clear that no one was able to afford much even for well bread horses. Its a tough industry but its worth the work that is entailed in it. I look forward to learning more about it.
I am spreading myself a little thin though, acting, dealing with the horses, working out everyday, and finding a lucrative career to take on. But I do this, its my MO as they say, I have to be doing more than one thing at a time or I wouldn't be content. Keeps my mind going, and makes me feel like I am achieving my goals, well actually I am achieving them. I realized that I am truly blessed, blessed to be from the family I am, to have the things I do and for living the life I live. Its pretty special to be able to hang with my daddy and learn his passion as well as pursue mine. I have had to learn that life isn't always what you think it should be but it is what its suppose to be and my life is pretty good as it is. I have met some really great people in Oxford, I was hopeful I would but I wasn't sure I would. So far I've been able to enjoy everyone I have hung out with. Yesterday I was invited to join a group of wine/liquor tasters, made up of mostly professors from the campus who have transplanted here to teach. I was welcomed in and found what I hope will be some pretty great friends. Oxford, MS is small, and there are some weird differences here, things I am not used to, but it has its cool points as well. Everyone should come visit me in Oxford, while I am still here :-)
Another note, Paul Rudd, a teacher at Actor's Studio Drama School, passed away yesterday. I never had him as my teacher, I got to do a work shop with him and I was always able to talk to him about acting and he was always a joy and honest and to the point. A great artist, a great man of love, he was cherished by all of us at ASDS and will be missed terribly, but if we have belief in anything have belief that one day we will meet again and it will be with loads of light and great music, sex, dancing, laughing, performing and good wine. Much love to you Mr. Rudd, until we meet agian, cheers!
Sugar
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I know I know its been a while since i have written. i have been on the road and just working on me. I went to a horse show in Tulsa, Oklahoma with my dad. We saw a black rodeo, it was called Cowboys of Color. Never had seen that, thought I had because as a kid we knew black cowboys and saw them rodeo, I had a serious crush at 7 - 10 years old on a black cowboy named Raymond Culter, who used to work on training our horses with my dad. I just loved him, had dreams of us being a couple, the man was in his twenties and as I said was a kid, it wasn't gonna happen. Anyway my dad is still in contact with Ray, he is doing alright, has a wife and kids and still messes with horses. So we saw these black cowboys, many were FINE, just sexy in their duds, but then a lot were flashy and that turned me off a whole lot. I can't understand why black folk have to be flashy about almost everything we do. I mean these men had pierced ears with fake diamonds or maybe they were real, in their ears while riding a bull and roping cattle and bull dogging which is to slide off a horse while its running after a steer(which has horns) and grab the steer and pull it down. Its dangerous stuff, and earrings and necklaces should not be worn! I was like WTF?! what happened to old fashioned cowboys who didn't believe a man should wear earrings period, who chew tobacco and sleep on the ground in dirt with the saddle as their pillow? what happened to the cowboys who were just rugged, rough dirty but clean up well? I miss those guys, I love those guys, they are sexy! I sure would marry a cowboy, if he had all the other qualities I need in a man. Speaking of marrying, i finally hung with my ex yesterday and today. We had a good time, just talked a lot about nothing and then of course me being me I got us on the subject of us and why he hasn't fought to make me stay with him and keep the relationship. Why he hadn't called me at all not even to check on me, I've called him I even lied to my dad and said he called me so I didn't feel like an idiot for calling him to meet up yesterday. I called him and he called me back and I said I was wanting to go have a drink and he said he would go with me if I wanted so we met up and went to a lake near my home and had bottles of what we both like, he had bought them a while ago for us, and we had a couple drinks and talked. Then today he came over because he left his phone in my car, but he stayed and watched tv and the Cowboy/Bangles game which was horrible and long. He told me he thinks of me everyday all day, he misses me he wanted to give me my space and he was going to call me. I guess one of my down falls in life is that I have no patience and I am a dreamer, I dream of how love should be, i dream of how a relationship should go when reality is much different, its not like the movies. I don't know, I love this man, I told his family we were not dating now, one of his friends, and they all pretty much said that is fine our relationship doesn't change and he loves me and you never know you guys may end up back together. My sister said she thinks we well because every relationship has to go through a big break up. My dad teases me though I have the feeling he is hoping we don't get together again, but he wants me to be happy just worries that we aren't fully compatible, but then my dad is also supportive of what I want, he also thinks Mike can change but that he has to want to do it and he has to do it, I can't make him. Mike lacks some serious ambition. But he told me he is going to show me that he is changing, and he thinks its not to late for us. He wants to be married to me and have children, so he will show me how much. I guess I will just have to see, but I am not going to sit on the side lines and wait for him to show me, I am going to live my life like its golden and if he comes through then we will be a couple and if he is to late because another man gets me, then he is to late. I pray he comes through, cause yall he really is a good man in so many ways.
I am now preparing for rehearsals to begin on the play I'll be doing in Memphis, looking forward to it. Met some cool people at the theatre's season premiere party this past Saturday. It was fun to see black folk who are in the arts loving it so much. Met a really cool lady who just welcomed me into her world and I hope to hang out with her and her friends very soon. I know this is going to be a great experience and I will want to do it again and again and again.
I saw my sister, went to her house before going to the theatre party, she looks good, sounds good and focused, very proud of her. I know how family is, we fight but we get over things as well. I love my sister so very much, she is my sister and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. We get heated but it okay because we are smart enough to get over things. She has a lot of great qualities and I know in the end she loves me a hell of a lot and she would be there for me if anything were serious, and vice verse.
Well this is me now, trying to live a full life and be open to its possibilities. I am still looking for the right career for me, crazy right, but I may have found it, I'll keep you all posted as it develops and of course acting is forever in my blood and I'll do it till I can't and now horses have become a great past time, love learning about them, they are such beautiful animals. OH, our 3 month old colt who we call Big Man, got into the horse trailer today so he could eat. We have had the trailer backed up to his stall for weeks now and he was too afraid to step up and get in but my dad came in the house after feeding them this evening and said mission accomplished he got in. Its a milestone, very proud of that young baby. He had to see it was okay, his mama has been going in and out forever, she gets fed in there and he wasn't getting any food cause it was all in the trailer but finally he got hungry enough and said, F*&% it and got in. Now we have two other babies to work on and to get him halter lead. At the shows we went to we could have taken Big Man and he would have blown the babies we saw out of the water. We have some pretty damn good looking horses! I want us to breed one of the mares to a halter winning stud and I want to raise the baby into a halter horse. Maybe I can talk dad into doing that for me, but I know it will be my responsibility to get that horse in top shape. That is a challenge, am I ready to take it on?................
I am now preparing for rehearsals to begin on the play I'll be doing in Memphis, looking forward to it. Met some cool people at the theatre's season premiere party this past Saturday. It was fun to see black folk who are in the arts loving it so much. Met a really cool lady who just welcomed me into her world and I hope to hang out with her and her friends very soon. I know this is going to be a great experience and I will want to do it again and again and again.
I saw my sister, went to her house before going to the theatre party, she looks good, sounds good and focused, very proud of her. I know how family is, we fight but we get over things as well. I love my sister so very much, she is my sister and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. We get heated but it okay because we are smart enough to get over things. She has a lot of great qualities and I know in the end she loves me a hell of a lot and she would be there for me if anything were serious, and vice verse.
Well this is me now, trying to live a full life and be open to its possibilities. I am still looking for the right career for me, crazy right, but I may have found it, I'll keep you all posted as it develops and of course acting is forever in my blood and I'll do it till I can't and now horses have become a great past time, love learning about them, they are such beautiful animals. OH, our 3 month old colt who we call Big Man, got into the horse trailer today so he could eat. We have had the trailer backed up to his stall for weeks now and he was too afraid to step up and get in but my dad came in the house after feeding them this evening and said mission accomplished he got in. Its a milestone, very proud of that young baby. He had to see it was okay, his mama has been going in and out forever, she gets fed in there and he wasn't getting any food cause it was all in the trailer but finally he got hungry enough and said, F*&% it and got in. Now we have two other babies to work on and to get him halter lead. At the shows we went to we could have taken Big Man and he would have blown the babies we saw out of the water. We have some pretty damn good looking horses! I want us to breed one of the mares to a halter winning stud and I want to raise the baby into a halter horse. Maybe I can talk dad into doing that for me, but I know it will be my responsibility to get that horse in top shape. That is a challenge, am I ready to take it on?................
Monday, July 26, 2010
Little Man's Big Adventure
It was a rough day for Little Man. Dad and I had a time getting him to relax so we could get a halter on him today. He fought, boy did he fight. The poor man fell over slamming his body on the ground quite a few times. He even hit the ground so hard one time that he just laid there for a bit. We think he might have knocked the wind out of himself. He is much easier to hold on to, I probably could have held him but I am just learning how to deal with the horses, especially the babies. You don't want to wait to long to work with them because they grow fast and do get size that makes it rougher to deal with when trying to train them. We are halter breaking all the babies so we only have Little Girl left and she is out in the pasture enjoying freedom but boy when we get her locked up and put the halter on her, I think she might give us the hardest time. She is pretty strong. Little Man isn't as big as the other two babies and more able to be controlled, his momma stayed out the way but did show concern and was coming over to see what was happening, unlike Big Man's momma who didn't even flinch. Learning what it takes to develop a well breed horse is fascinating and I am truly enjoying it. If there were no flies outside and especially around the horses I'd be with them constantly. I love these animals, they are very special and when you treat them well and love them they treat you well and love you back. This does not mean they aren't unpredictable because they are, you never put complete trust into any animal that is where people go wrong, but you can put trust into them, know that they don't mean to hurt you if they do, sometimes they are just trying to get out of the way or something has frightened them which makes them react. What I hate most is when people who have such magnificiant animals don't treat them right, letting them starve or have babies but don't do what is needed to take care of them. I believe animals, pets, deserve as much respect as humans, we need to treat them like God treats us, with respect and love. We have a long way to go in the training and breaking of the babies but the process is fun and it teaches you patience which you all know I need. Plus I have the need to make sure they are okay all the time, I worry for them like I do anything I love. Little Man hit the ground so many times I was a little bit scared for him and very concerned, I wanted him to relax and give in to what were trying to do with him, it wasn't to hurt him at all, it is to make him stronger and better. This process is going to be fun. Keep yall posted.
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